Can you win an argument

When you find yourself embroiled in a fight, or part of a heated debate, it can be tempting to try to win the argument. It's only human to want to be "right," which is likely why we get into fights in the first place. But the single best thing to keep in mind when arguing isn't winning , but listening, understanding, and then diffusing the fight.

I know, that doesn't sound anywhere near as fun. You might be wondering what the point of a heated debate would be, or why you'd even want to have a passionate or even angry discussion if someone isn't crowned victorious. But if you're truly fighting, or something's at risk — like your relationship or your job — the last thing you want to do is risk it all for the sake of winning.

That's why we should all know how to "win" a fight by diffusing it, instead. Unhealthy arguments can also lead to feelings of stress, anger, depression or anxiety if you feel like the situation is ongoing and nothing is getting resolved. In the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to listen — much less say something nice. In other words, pretty much most personal or professional contexts. In their extensive research on relationships, the Gottman Institute in Seattle discovered that the most successful relationships are based on a ratio of positive to negative interactions of or higher.

More on how to do that in a minute. I hear you say. Well it requires both a change in attitude and a change in approach. Which also requires that you give more consideration to the other persons point of view, rather than just dismissing it. You both hold on to everything you know to be true and believe, and at the same time remain engaged open to influence.

Constructive conversation becomes impossible —or at least much more difficult—if neither side gives any arguments or reasons for their positions. The mistaken tendency to avoid arguments, as Carnegie did, results from misunderstanding the point of argument, which is to appreciate each other and work together.

The growing political polarization in the United States and around the world can, to this extent, be traced to a failure to give, expect and appreciate arguments. Admittedly, many arguments are bad. They pretend to give reasons without really presenting anything worthy of the name. Still, we need to be careful not to accuse opponents of such fallacies too quickly.

Nobody benefits if I misrepresent your position and then attack it viciously, or if I interrupt you so that you never finish your thought. We need to learn how to spell out arguments charitably and thoroughly step-by-step from premises to conclusion. Then we need to learn how to evaluate them properly — how to tell good arguments from bad.

A large part of evaluation is calling out bad arguments, but we also need to admit good arguments by opponents and to apply the same critical standards to ourselves. Why do I believe my premises? Is my argument valid or strong? Does my argument beg the question? What is the strongest objection to my view? Humility requires you to recognize weaknesses in your own arguments and sometimes also to accept reasons on the opposite side.

You still might hold on to your convictions, but you will have learned a great deal about the issues, about your opponents and about yourself. Ideally, arguments should maintain a positive atmosphere and a lightness to them. Think about it: how likely would you be to change your mind if someone was insulting you and your point of view? In reality, though, we are all human and are impacted by subtle emotional and psychological factors.

That means that you have to win them over, not beat them down. Sign up to receive Molly's weekly newsletter with tips and suggestions for how to respond with the right message at the right time. If there is a breaking news story or pressing communication issue, Molly has your answer. This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible.

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